Invite Yourself to Be Human: Letting Go of Perfectionism

‍“Invite yourself to be human.”

Five seemingly simple words that my therapist shared with me early on in our work together, powerful words that continue to shape how I move through the world. They’ve stuck with me, because for most of my life, I didn’t believe that simply being human—with all of my perceived flaws and mistakes—was safe. But what I’ve learned is the opposite, making mistakes is a natural part of being human, something that unites us all. They are what challenge us to grow and become better versions of ourselves when you let them.

Where it began: Performing for safety

Growing up I internalized a deep fear of being seen as flawed. I learned early on that being different—in this case, being gay—was something that was not openly accepted by society. It was something to hide, something to compensate for. This difference became a source of internalized shame that I’ve carried with me for a long time.

I did what many queer people do to survive: I overcompensated. I chased perfection in other avenues, excelling at school, work, and in other aspects of my life. I clung to success as a defense mechanism, hoping it might deflect attention from the parts of me I feared others would reject. 

“If I couldn’t be accepted for who I was, maybe I could at least be admired for what I did.”

It’s a common pattern in the LGBTQ+ community. This drive to prove your worth in a world that often denies it. But the cost of perfectionism is high: chronic stress, anxiety, burnout, and a deep sense of never feeling good enough. 

The many faces of perfectionism

Perfectionism wasn’t just a mindset, it was a way of being. Even after coming out, those internalized beliefs didn’t disappear. They lingered and kept showing up in many areas of my life.

At work:

I placed unrealistic expectations on myself, always needing to deliver high-quality work, saying yes to every opportunity, overpreparing for meetings, and agonizing over every little detail. While this approach helped me succeed, it also led to burnout. I’ve had to take stress leave and I’ve left jobs, not because I wasn’t good at them, but because the pressure I put on myself was unsustainable.

In relationships:

I wanted to be the perfect partner. I sacrificed my needs to be the person I thought my partner wanted. I often found it hard to admit when I was wrong, because to do so felt like exposing my flaws. Instead, I would shut down, deflect blame, and struggle to repair ruptures with love and care.

I also placed unrealistic expectations on others, expecting perfection from them too, rather than accepting people's imperfections just as I wished society would do for me.

In my day-to-day life:

I obsessed over image: how I looked, what I said, what others thought of me. I based my decisions not on what felt true to me, but on how they might be perceived. Success, status, and approval from others became a condition for feeling safe, but it had the opposite effect. No matter what I achieved or what I did, I never felt like it was enough.

In my relationship with myself:

I can be my own harshest critic. In the past, I constantly replayed mistakes on loop and ruminated over what I could have done differently. The constant self-judgment wore down my sense of self-worth and made it hard for me to feel at peace with who I was.

Learning a new way

These past five months have been very humbling. I’ve had to sit with the impact of my actions and learn to take responsibility for where I’m at in life without spiraling into shame. I’m learning to accept that I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time. That doesn’t erase the harm or pain I’ve caused, but it’s a necessary part of healing: to own the impact while still offering yourself compassion.

I’ve made mistakes in the past, things I wished I could go back and do differently. But I can’t change what happened. What I can do is learn from my mistakes. I’m practicing responding to those moments not with punishment or shame, but with curiosity and an intention to do things differently.

Along my journey, others have also made mistakes, including not respecting my boundaries or communicating poorly. Previously, I would have held onto resentment and had trouble letting go. But I’m learning to soften, to hold compassion (‘karuna’ in Buddhist teachings) for the humanness in others, just as I’m learning to hold it for myself. More often than not, people hurt you because they are hurting themselves. It’s not about you, but rather it’s driven by the pain and unresolved trauma that they carry. Inviting forgiveness into my relationships has made space for people that I love to be the imperfect beings that they are. It has also strengthened these relationships when it has been accompanied by a mutual willingness to learn and grow when ruptures occur.

“And when you allow others to be imperfect, you also create space for this within yourself.”

Releasing unrealistic expectations

Perfectionism still shows up, especially in vulnerable moments or high-stakes situations. I notice it when I over-prepare for conversations, or when I’ve felt pressure to heal quickly. At times I felt that I should be further along in my healing journey, but I’ve learned to let go of that pressure.

The less I force it, the more space I create for real growth. When I do less, I notice that I actually progress more. And when I make mistakes, I now see them as opportunities for growth rather than as evidence of failure.

Final reflections

The expectation to be perfect has shaped so much of my life, but I’m no longer allowing myself to carry it. I’m choosing to see progress differently. 

I’m allowing my life to unfold at a pace that feels sustainable, supports my nervous system and my well-being, and that aligns with where I’m at right now. This year alone, I’ve gone through a breakup, changed careers, and moved twice. I’m letting go of the belief that I have to figure things out quickly and do everything right to feel worthy.

“Overthinking has cost me more than it’s protected me.
Perfectionism has kept me from living fully.” 

It’s no longer serving me. I’m learning to give myself more grace when I stumble and that mistakes are just part of being human.

As you grow, as you move forward in your own journey, I also invite you to reflect on how you could incorporate more compassion and kindness into your relationship with yourself and others.

What expectations are you carrying that no longer serve you?

What would it feel like to be just a little more human, and a little less perfect?