What if I Stayed? Breaking the Cycle of Self-Sabotage and Finding Home

This post was written in my final week in Mazunte before I moved to Puerto Vallarta.

The more I dig under the surface, the more I realize just how much of my own instability has been self-inflicted. For years, I saw it as something happening to me: always moving, never feeling settled, constantly searching for the next adventure or an upgrade to my current reality.

But recently, a deeper truth landed: 

“Maybe the sense of belonging I’ve been craving isn’t because I never found the right place. It’s because I never allowed anywhere to truly become home.”

I've moved so much throughout my life—across Europe, Asia, Australia, and the Americas, living a truly nomadic existence for the last twenty years. Even in places where I stayed the longest, I always had one foot out the door. Always planning what’s next instead of allowing myself to fully land in the present. There was always something I didn’t like, some reason to move on. I was always chasing something “better", trying to optimize an imperfect situation.

But in hindsight, I never really gave any of those places a chance to provide me with the stability that I longed for. 

I sabotaged myself without even knowing it: out of fear, out of habit, and out of a longing for something I didn’t understand at the time.

(I will explore the emotional roots of this pattern in an upcoming post on self-doubt and avoidance, but here, I want to focus on how it has shown up physically: in my movements, decisions, and sense of place.)

The instability I created

When I reflect on my last two years, instability and uncertainty were central themes. 

I followed my heart and moved to northern Europe even though I’ve always been drawn to warm, coastal environments with easy access to nature. This move was the opposite in nearly every way.

Six months after moving, I agreed to travel for a year. To take a sabbatical and slowly travel across five continents. It felt adventurous, spontaneous, and I was excited for the trip, but it was also a way out. An escape from a city I didn't enjoy living in, from a job that was beginning to feel misaligned, and from the inner discomfort I had yet to confront.

The trip brought many incredible moments, but it also deepened my sense of disconnection. The times I felt most grounded were during extended stays in South Africa and Thailand: places where I had routine, connections, and community. But even those were always meant to be temporary. More uncertainty followed, more loneliness, and more questions around purpose and belonging. It impacted everything: my mental health, my relationship, and my sense of self.

And then, my life changed drastically. I was faced with a break up a few weeks after moving to Mexico, the place that was meant to be the start of a new chapter together. I had just arrived, ready to build something stable, to land somewhere for real, to continue working through my attachment patterns, and figure out the next stage of my career. Instead, I was now alone, heartbroken, and coming face-to-face with everything I had spent years avoiding.

Redefining stability

I moved to a small coastal town in southern Mexico knowing it would be temporary. 

But something shifted in Mazunte. 

I started to redefine stability; not as a place, but as something I could cultivate within. Through daily practices, structure, and moments of connection. Through slowing down and listening.

And now, as I’m moving on to a new chapter in Puerto Vallarta, I have the opportunity to also build stability externally.

Recognizing my patterns of self-sabotage

I’m going to Puerto Vallarta with intention, but also with hesitation. My inner saboteur is already creeping in. I have one foot out the door before I’ve even arrived. I’m still framing my move as something “temporary”, and I’m still dreaming of other destinations and possibilities before I’ve even unpacked my bags. It’s the same pattern I’ve repeated for years—one that feels safe because it’s familiar, but it’s also what’s been keeping me stuck.

This push-pull dynamic runs deep and is so common in people with disorganized attachment tendencies. It shows up in several ways: 

• Longing for stability but resisting commitment out of fear or regret
• Wanting connection but pulling away when things get too close
• Constantly scanning for reasons why something won’t work
• Second-guessing decisions and preparing escape routes
• Living in limbo—never fully landing, never fully choosing

With so much instability in my life, my nervous system has learned to expect disruption. Commitment makes me feel uneasy. Like something bad might happen if I stay put.

But what if that’s not true anymore?

What if I allowed myself to choose this place, this moment, and fully land here?   

Choosing to land

Puerto Vallarta may not be perfect. No place is.

But I’m choosing to come here for a reason. It has a warm climate, easy access to nature, creative energy, and community. It can be the anchor I’ve been seeking: a space to ground, to build routine, to focus on my well-being, and to continue to shift into a more secure way of being.

“Maybe the most loving thing I can do for myself right now is not to move again, to escape, or to keep searching. 

To trust that if I pour energy into what’s here, something beautiful can grow. That alone could change everything.

Have you ever considered what might grow if you stayed?